ACT ISCENE 1
On the boardwalk, small town
An old Groundskeeper is pushing his broom
He passes a shop called "Bait & Liquor"
He waves to a bum sitting on a nearby bench
The bum lifts his brown bag as a toast
He takes a swig from the open bottle and winces
The bum’s t-shirt bears his name: CALVIN
Calvin is sitting awkwardly on an old fishing pole
The Groundskeeper continues with his broom
He rounds the corner, out of sight of Calvin
Suddenly, three men arrive
One man is wearing jeans and a hard hat
One is dressed in a cardigan sweater
One man is wearing a suit and tie
The three men are talking excitedly
THE GROUNDSKEEPER STOPS TO EAVESDROP
MAN IN SUIT
(to man in hard hat)
I flew into town for an update, to hear it from you directly.
(looks at his watch)
How long will it take to knock down all of this and start construction on my brand new Casino Row?
(he gestures toward all the boardwalk shops)
MAN IN HARDHAT
I’m getting the city permits now, Wallace. It shouldn’t be long. I don’t see anything standing in our way. You’ve kept this pretty quiet. The town’s residents aren’t complaining. They don’t know about it. By this time next year, you won’t recognize this place -- save for the sand and ocean!
WALLACE
Very good. Keep up the good work, and keep me posted.
MAN IN SWEATER
Aw, come on, Wallace. I know the state gave you this contract. you won it fair and square. But you know I’ve been wanting to build Casino Row in my town, long before you were interested. Won’t you reconsider, and give me back my dream? With your connections, you can build a Casino Row in any town, in any state!
WALLACE
I’m sorry, Perry. But this project, in this town, MY town, has personal significance for me. You know I paid the state an extra $20 million for it, and it was money well spent, as far as I’m concerned.
PERRY
You snuck that extra $20 mil in at the last minute! I didn’t even have a chance to counter! How about I offer you an extra $10 million? Right now. We could shake on it.
WALLACE
Not a chance, Perry. You have no idea what this project means to me. Do you have kids, Perry?
PERRY
No, and my wife just walked out on me. They say three time’s a charm, but not for me. But what does having children have to do with this anyway?
WALLACE
I’m sorry to hear about your wife, Perry. And children ... well, if you have a child one day, then you’ll understand.
PERRY
I’d like to understand now, Wallace. Tell me.
WALLACE
(checking his watch)
I don't have time. Maybe another day.
PERRY
Okay.
WALLACE
Will you be here for the ribbon cutting ceremony?
PERRY
I don’t think I can bear to watch it, Wallace.
WALLACE
I’m really sorry, Perry.
Wallace walks away
Perry walks the opposite way
A woman passes by -- a blonde bombshell type
She’s wearing short shorts, a revealing halter top, lots of make up and high heels
She’s got long hair -- she’s gorgeous
Perry’s eyes pop when he sees her
He whistles to himself
PERRY
(to blonde bombshell)
Excuse me, miss, you look so familiar. I feel like I’ve seen you before.
BLONDE BOMBSHELL
(patting her hair and blushing)
Well, I don’t know, but you look like one of those men I see on the high society pages of the newspaper!
PERRY
Well, I HAVE been in the papers a time or two! I live in Perrytown...maybe I’ve seen you there...
BLONDE BOMBSHELL
(gasping)
Why, I live in Perrytown too!
PERRY
Well, I’ll be...
BLONDE BOMBSHELL
(pretending to trip, she falls into him)
Oh, I’m sorry -- excuse me!
PERRY
(grabbing her as she falls)
Oh, there’s no reason to be sorry!
(Perry holds her in his arms a moment too long)
BLONDE BOMBSHELL
(flipping her hair and blushing)
Well, I better get going.
PERRY
Yes, yes, maybe I’ll see you around Perrytown...
BLONDE BOMBSHELL
Yes, maybe so.
She walks away
He watches her walk
He whistles under his breath
Perry walks away
Meanwhile, Wallace stops when he sees the bum
Wallace ducks behind a pole
He peers at the bum, Calvin, from around the pole
Wallace checks his watch and hesitates
Quickly, he turns on his heel and walks away
He glances back to make sure he’s not seen
Wallace breaks into a run down the boardwalk
Calvin did not see Wallace
The Groundskeeper shakes his head, as if confused
He keeps moving along with his broom
ACT I
SCENE 2
In front of Calvin’s bench
CALVIN
(to audience, taking a swig from a bottle of wine)
Who are you looking at?
(he winces, as if in pain, takes another swig)
Guess you’ve never seen a man sitting on his fishing pole.
Yeah, most men fish with them.
(another swig, a long pause)
CALVIN
(to audience)
Why do you keep staring at me? I guess maybe you’re glad it’s me sitting here, and not you. But heck, if you fished as drunk as me, you might be in this very same spot too. I guess I should explain, ’cause it’s getting a little weird, with all of you staring at me like that...
MUSIC STARTS UP
CALVIN BECOMES ANIMATED
CALVIN
(sings)
I’m sittin’ on a great big hook
My hairy butt is sore
I’m sittin’ on a great big hook
And I ain’t even left the liquor store
I’m sittin’ on a great big hook
I gotta quit drinkin’ wine
I’m sittin’ on a great big hook
It’s a pain in my behind
Now I know how a catfish feels
When a great big hook goes in
I don’t think I ever wanna
Feel this way again
I’m hooked
I’m sittin’ on a great big hook
The only thing I caught is me
I’m sittin’ on a great big hook
Will someone help me please
I’m sittin’ on a great big hook
Barbs oughta be a crime
I’m sittin’ on a great big hook
Feels like I’m doin’ time
Now I know how a catfish feels
When a great big hook goes in
I don’t think I ever wanna
Feel this way again
I’m hooked
(SPOKEN:)
Now I don’t know if you’ve ever been hooked
You know, got that big, sharp thing stuck in your butt
It sure ain’t a lot of fun
So you want to stay out of that liquor store
Because that can be a real problem right there, okay?
Some people just like a lot of pain
That’s not me
I don’t like all that pain
I'm just real clumsy
(sings)
I’m sittin’ on a great big hook
My hairy butt is sore
I’m sittin’ on a great big hook
And I ain’t even left the liquor store
I’m sittin’ on a great big hook
I gotta quit drinkin’ wine
I’m sittin’ on a great big hook
It’s a pain in my behind
Now I know how a catfish feels
When a great big hook goes in
I don’t think I ever wanna
Feel this way again
I’m hooked
Calvin stops singing
Another swig
Another wince
He slumps back into his seat
Two ladies walk by
They are chatting with each other
CALVIN
(waving his arms)
Hey girls, girls, over here...
Two ladies look at him
Without a word, they pick up their pace
They quickly walk down the boardwalk until they’re out of sight
Calvin slumps back in his seat
He winces
CALVIN
It’s been like this all day, I can’t get anyone’s attention.
Calvin raises his head sharply
He looks at the audience with an angry look
He places his right hand over his brow, searching
His eyes focus like a laser on one audience member
CALVIN
(to the audience member)
Oh, you think that’s FUNNY, do you? Well let me tell you a little story...once upon a time, I used to go fishing and I never drank anything at all, but I also never caught anything. I might as well enjoy a sip here and there while I fished. SO I fished a little and drank a lot, fished a little and drank a lot, and all of a sudden, my butt got caught. I remember the instant that the shiny hook entered my left cheek. It did not feel good. I SCREAMED. My left cheek was under a major attack from the shiny hook. I took out my dingy white hanky and held it up above my head and said "I SURRENDER."
CALVIN
(to the audience)
I’m gonna need some help here pretty soon.
ACT I
SCENE 3
In front of Calvin’s bench
The Groundskeeper appears again with his broom
He waves to Calvin
Calvin motions to him, patting the seat next to him
The Groundskeeper sits down next to Calvin
Calvin offers him some wine
They begin to drink
The audience sees them laughing and talking, but can’t hear them
The Groundskeeper gets up and runs into the liquor store
He returns with two more bottles in brown bags
They drink and talk
GROUNDSKEEPER
(words slurred)
There were three men here earlier. They say they’re gonna tear down all of this...
(he points to the buildings behind him)
...to build a Casino Row. This old boardwalk will be torn down. Gone, it will be. Gone.
CALVIN
That’s just not right! These shops have been here forever. This will devastate the people in this town.
(he sighs, relaxes his shoulders)
Nothing I can do about it, of course.
(takes a big swig)
GROUNDSKEEPER
Yeah, we’re just nobodies. But the world is changing, that’s fer sure. These are times when a man needs his friends and family. Hey, buddy, what ARE you doing here? Where’s your family?
CALVIN
That’s a long story. But I left my family a long time ago and haven’t seen ’em since. I needed to find my own way out in the world. I only got about an hour away, and that was far enough to feel a thousand miles away...but then something, some feeling, drew me back here a few weeks ago, and I think...
GROUNDSKEEPER
Have you found your way?
CALVIN
Well, I think...I will. I think I will.
Calvin and the Groundskeeper see a teenager walking towards them
He’s tanned, thin, muscular and handsome
He’s in a bathing suit, whistling and carrying a surf board
He’s got earphones on, obviously listening to music on his iPOD
GROUNDSKEEPER
(to Calvin)
That Surfer Dude is here every day. If he’s not in the water, he’s got those earphones in his ears.
CALVIN
Sounds like a pretty good life.
GROUNDSKEEPER
Yeah, sometimes in the morning, his father comes by, dressed real fancy with a tie and shiny shoes. He stands by the shore and yells at him to get to school.
CALVIN
I can relate to that.
GROUNDSKEEPER
He seems like a nice kid, though. Always polite.
The Groundskeeper waves at Surfer Dude
Surfer Dude smiles and waves back
He stops and takes off his earphones
SURFER DUDE
Hey dudes! The waves are awesome today!
GROUNDSKEEPER
You say that every day.
SURFER DUDE
I’ve never seen a wave that wasn’t awesome!
Surfer Dude plops down on the other side of Calvin
He puts his earphones back in and, obviously into the music, he plays an imaginary guitar while singing like a rock star
CALVIN
(to Surfer Dude)
Hey -- that’s my kind of music, kid!
SURFER DUDE
(not hearing as he continues playing his guitar)
CALVIN
(gesturing to get his attention)
Hey, kid!
SURFER DUDE
(startled, taking off his earphones and placing his iPOD on the bench)
Wha...what?
CALVIN
I said, you’ve got great taste in music! That’s surf music you’ve listening to, isn’t it?
SURFER DUDE
Yeah, man. Nothing like it in the world.
GROUNDSKEEPER
Today’s music is crap. Give me some Irving Berlin any day!
SURFER DUDE
Irving WHO?! Isn’t Berlin a country?
CALVIN
No, Berlin’s a city -- in France, I think...anyway, he’s not talking about the city -- he’s talking about one of the GREATEST songwriters of all time -- Irving Berlin! My tenth grade teacher, her name was Mrs. Stern...she taught me all about Irving Berlin!
SURFER DUDE
Funny, I have a teacher named Mrs. Stern...
GROUNDSKEEPER
Yes, YES! Irving Berlin wrote "White Christmas" and, and... "Puttin’ on the Ritz!"
The Groundskeeper gets up
He does a little song and dance to "Puttin’ on the Ritz"
CALVIN
Cool.
SURFER DUDE
Yeah, cool.
CALVIN
(to Groundskeeper)
If you like Irving Berlin...you’re gonna LOVE electric surf music! Look at me -- I love both!
CALVIN
(to Surfer Dude)
And since you like electric surf music -- you’re gonna LOVE Irving Berlin! There’s no reason you can’t love both! Plus, it’s just a shame not to know any Irving Berlin.
GROUNDSKEEPER
Yeah, a real shame. A sin even.
CALVIN AND GROUNDSKEEPER
(singing together)
It’s a sin when you fish, but you don’t see a fin
It’s a sin, it’s a sin
It’s a sin, when you drink, and you’re hooked again
It’s a sin, it’s a sin, it’s a sin
It’s a sin not to know........any Irving Berlin
It’s a sin if you’re out and you’d rather be in
It’s a sin, it’s a sin, it’s a sin
It’s a sin, when you fight but nobody wins
It’s a sin, it’s a sin, it’s a sin
It’s a sin, not to know........any Irving Berlin
It’s a sin, when you cry and you’re too sad to grin
(nobody wants to be sad)
It’s a sin, it’s a sin, it’s a sin
It’s a sin, when forever, never quite begins
It’s a sin, it’s a sin, it’s a sin
It’s a sin, not to know........any Irving Berlin
SURFER DUDE
(smiles and shrugs)
Well, I better hit the waves now!
He runs off
CALVIN
Don’t forget to listen to some Irving Berlin!
Surfer Dude turns around, smiles and waves
He’s left his iPOD on the bench
Calvin picks it up
CALVIN
(to Groundskeeper)
He’s left his iPOD here. When he comes back, I’ll give it to him.
GROUNDSKEEPER
(standing up)
Well, I’ve got to get back to work now.
CALVIN
Hey -- thanks for buying the drink!
GROUNDSKEEPER
Thanks for the company. It gets lonely here on the boardwalk. Good for a man to have some company sometimes. Oh, by the way, those developers are having a ribbon cutting party tonight at 5, here on the boardwalk. I guess there will be a lot of sweeping up to do.
Groundskeeper staggers off
He’s humming "Puttin’ on the Ritz"
He leaves his broom next to Calvin
CALVIN
(to audience)
I forgot to tell him about the hook! I bet he could have helped me!
Calvin looks at the broom
Calvin looks at the iPOD
He looks at the audience and grins
Calvin puts the iPOD earphones in his ears, turns it on and smiles
He picks up the broom and breaks it in half with flourish!
He takes a pocket knife from his pocket
He starts whittling
CALVIN
(mumbling and concentrating)
1 link, 2 links, 3 links, 4 links
(drinking)
1 drink, 2 drinks, 3 drinks, 4 drinks...
ACT I
SCENE 4
In front of Calvin’s bench
The same blonde that Perry saw is now walking by
CALVIN
SUSAN, is that YOU?!
Susan turns to look at him
She appears surprised
She smiles
She runs up to him
She jumps into his lap
Calvin winces in pain, without her noticing
Susan keeps hugging him, her face away from the audience
The audience sees Calvin’s pained face
Calvin reaches into his pocket and takes out breath spray
He spritzes it into his mouth, without her noticing
Calvin and Susan kiss and smooch for a while
CALVIN
(to the audience)
Can’t we have a PRIVATE moment here? How would you like it if I was watching you and YOUR ex-girlfriend? I know she’s a looker, but any decent person would turn his head.
Isn’t there an intermission you should be getting to?
SUSAN
Sweetie cakes, I’ve really missed you and I’ve been thinking so much about you! I drove all the way here, looking for you, but I didn’t know you’d be out here on the boardwalk!
CALVIN
Yeah, I thought I’d do some fishing and think things through...
SUSAN
I went by your daddy’s house but no one was home. I had to look up the address because of course you’ve never introduced me to your family, and I’ve been thinking that now that you and your daddy have patched things up between you, you should be much happier now, and we can work on being much happier too!
CALVIN
(puckering up)
I’ve missed you, too, Poopsie!
SUSAN
Sweetie cakes, let’s never fight again!
CALVIN
Yes, Poopsie, let’s never fight again!
SUSAN
C’mon, let’s go back home to Perrytown and I’ll make things all better! My car’s parked over there, and if we leave now, we can miss all the traffic...it took me nearly two hours to get here this morning because of so much traffic and...
Calvin hesitates
He looks at the audience, as if panicked about what to do
CALVIN
Poopsie, even though I love you, I CAN’T go with you right now...
SUSAN
(incensed)
WHAT? Can’t come with me?! What do you MEAN, you can’t come with me?
CALVIN
Well, it’s a little hard to explain, but I’m in a bind right now...
SUSAN
Well, can’t your daddy help you out of your bind?
CALVIN
My father doesn’t even KNOW I’m in this bind...
SUSAN
Why don’t you tell him!? You know he’ll help you out!
CALVIN
No, no, it’s not that kind of bind and, besides, I haven’t spoken to my father in years and...
SUSAN
(yelling)
What? You haven’t spoken to your father? When you left a few weeks ago, after our big fight, you said you were going to see him and get everything straightened out and...
CALVIN
I’ve had a few weeks here to think and I’ve decided that running back to my father is NOT what I should do! I need to make it, to become successful on my own, and maybe with you by my side, Poopsie ...
SUSAN
You haven’t changed a BIT!!
She gets up
She starts walking away
CALVIN
Soosan, could you help me with one thing?
SUSAN
(turning around and glaring)
What IS it?
CALVIN
(sheepishly)
I’m kind of stuck here, sitting on a fishing hook, and if you could...
SUSAN
(pulling out her cell phone)
I’ll tell you what...I’ll call your daddy, right now and ask him to come help you.
CALVIN
(stiffening and crossing his arms)
NEVER!
SUSAN
Suit yourself, then.
CALVIN
(sighing)
Please, Poopsie, just give me a hand...
Susan stalks off
CALVIN
(sings)
Does she love me
For who I am
Does she really care
Does she need me
Deep in her heart
Or am I just a spare
Suuuuuusan, am I just a spare
Do I love her
For who she is
Do I really care
Do I need her
Deep in my heart
Or is she just a spare
Suuuuuusan, are you just a spare
A spare, a spare
Are we just a spare
A stopping point
To get from here to there
I was once disilluuuuuusioned
By a chick named Suuuuusan
Found out I’m just a spare
Calvin hangs his head
ACT I
SCENE 5
Shopkeeper’s Shop
A shopkeeper comes out of his shop
He’s mousy and mean looking
He’s sweeping with his broom
He glares at Calvin
He walks over to him
SHOPKEEPER
(gesturing with his broom)
Shoo, shoo, get out of here now. You’re scaring away my customers!
CALVIN
If you could help me, please, I’m stuck here...
SHOPKEEPER
(interrupting and holding his nose)
You’re drunk. I can smell it.
CALVIN
But I really need help...
The shopkeeper walks away, to the front of his shop
The spotlight’s on him, as he sweeps
SHOPKEEPER
(talking to the audience while he sweeps angrily)
I work hard all day to earn my pay. Don’t want him chasing customers away. Got us here a nice little town. Don’t need trouble like him around. Good families come here year after year. Children shouldn’t see him drinking his beer. I can always count on this old pier. A constant in my life year after year. Guys like him bring only trouble.
Shopkeeper walks up to Calvin again
He’s waving his broom and yelling
Calvin turns toward him
SHOPKEEPER
(sings)
I work hard all day, just to earn my pay
I don’t want you chasing business away
You’re not welcome here
Remove yourself from our little town
I don’t want you comin’ around
You’re not welcome here
You’re not welcome here
I hope you leave soon, I can’t take much more
Your kind’s not welcome outside my store
You’re not welcome here
Brother don’t make me call the cops
I don’t want no drunk ’round my shop
You’re not welcome here
Guys like you only bring only trouble
Crime 'round here’s gonna double
You’re not welcome here
Shopkeeper storms back into his shop
He leaves his broom next to Calvin’s bench
ACT I
SCENE 6
In front of Calvin's bench
Shopkeeper locks his shop door
He hurries past Calvin, glaring at him
He’s carrying a bank deposit envelope
An approaching customer stops him
CUSTOMER
(to shopkeeper)
I was just going to visit your shop!
SHOPKEEPER
Oh, I’ll be right back! I MUST make a deposit to the bank.
(whispering and pointing to Calvin) )
There’s a bad element around here so I’m making more frequent deposits.
CUSTOMER
Okay. I’ll take a walk on the beach and then come back.
SHOPKEEPER
Great. I’ll be back in 15 minutes.
Shopkeeper and customer leave
Calvin sees a cop walking toward him
Calvin winds his wood necklace around his bottle of wine, as a disguise
He takes out his breath spray and spritzes his mouth
He sits up straight
A stagehand runs out with a pair of sunglasses and a hat
He places them on Calvin’s head and face
Calvin picks up his knife and starts whittling
The cop stops in front of him
THE COP
Good afternoon, sir.
CALVIN
(looking up from his whittling)
Good afternoon, officer.
COP
We got a complaint about a bum sitting on a bench somewhere around here, drinking.
CALVIN
(putting his whittling down)
Oh, there’s nobody here on this bench but me, officer. I haven’t seen any bum around here. There are a few other benches around, though. Maybe you should check those out.
THE COP
Well, maybe the guy is gone.
CALVIN
Yes, maybe so, officer. But I’ll be sure to call the station if I see anyone suspicious looking.
THE COP
(gets his notes out and looks through them)
It says here the shopkeeper in that shop...
(pointing)
...is the one who complained. I’ll go check with him.
CALVIN
Good idea, officer.
THE COP
(walking to the shop and trying the locked door)
Hmmmm....the shop is closed.
CALVIN
Seems kind of early for the shop to be closed.
THE COP
When the owner returns, can you tell him that I was here, but I didn’t see anyone suspicious looking?
CALVIN
If the shopkeeper asks me, I will be sure to relay your message, officer.
THE COP
Thanks, buddy.
The Cop starts to reach for Calvin’s necklace, which hides the wine bottle
CALVIN
Oh, that’s very fragile, officer.
THE COP
It looks very nice. I was thinking that the Mrs. might want one for our anniversary. Do you sell these?
CALVIN
I would be happy to make you one, and give it to you for free. The least I can do for you for doing your part to keep our town safe!
THE COP
That’s very nice of you, sir. My name is Officer Connelly. When it’s ready, you can drop it off at the police station.
CALVIN
Will do, Officer Connelly. As soon as I’m free, I’ll get it to you.
OFFICER CONNELLY
Thanks -- and you have a good day.
CALVIN
(wiping his brow)
You, too, officer.
The officer leaves
Calvin picks up the shopkeeper’s broom, which he’d hidden under the bench
He breaks the broom handle in two, then pulls out his knife
CALVIN
1 link, 2 links, 3 links, 4 links
CALVIN
(stops whittling and whispers)
No drinks
ACT I
SCENE 7
In front of Calvin’s bench
Sun grows higher in the sky
Calvin appears more worn out
An older lady, very stern and academic-looking, is walking toward Calvin
CALVIN
(to the audience)
HEY, that’s my 10th grade teacher there! Maybe she can help me!
CALVIN
(waving)
Mrs. Stern, Mrs. Stern! It’s ME, it’s ME!
Mrs. Stern stops
She squinches her nose
She peers at him over her glasses
CALVIN
It’s me, Mrs. Stern! Don’t you recognize me? I was in your 10th grade English class!
MRS. STERN
Is that YOU, Calvin Stewart? I might have guessed this is what would become of YOU, sitting out here in the middle of the day...
(she sniffs the air)
...DRINKING!
CALVIN
Yes, yes, it’s ME! Can you help me, Mrs. Stern? I sat down on the bench and forgot that my fishing pole was here, and now I have a hook stuck in me and I can’t move!
MRS. STERN
This turn of events does NOT surprise me, Calvin Stewart! You never were careful about where you sat! Remember that time you sat on Marcie Thompson’s lap and...
CALVIN
(smiling big)
Oh yeah, Marcie Thompson’s lap...I still remember how that felt...
MRS. STERN
That’s ENOUGH out of you, Calvin Stewart!
CALVIN
Gee, Mrs. Stern, you’re the one who brought up Marcie Thompson’s lap! I was just telling you about this hook problem, and it doesn’t feel ANYTHING like Marcie Thompson’s lap! And, besides, look how good that turned out for Marcie, in the end...
MRS. STERN
Good? She owns a furniture store! If it weren’t for you, she might not have lost her ambition to go to medical school!
CALVIN
Well, gee, Mrs. Stern, that doesn’t seem fair to blame me...
MRS. STERN
(peering over her glasses)
That’s quite a predicament you’ve gotten yourself into this time, Calvin! Maybe if you’d taken your studies more seriously, and maybe if you had not played hooky all the time, you wouldn’t find yourself in this situation now!
Mrs. Stern stands there, eyeing him.
MRS. STERN
Wait a minute! By golly! Maybe it’s NOT too late for you to learn!
She runs into the bookstore, located next to the liquor store
She returns with a large book
MRS. STERN
Here’s a book on fishing, which explains how to remove a hook from a fish! You take this book and READ your way out of this problem!
CALVIN
Gee, Mrs. Stern, I don’t read that good and...
MRS. STERN
Well, it’s high time you learned, and there’s nothing like a little trouble to motivate you! You seem to have found yourself with plenty of time on your hands now, so you can sit and read and work this problem out yourself! It will be good for your character!
She stalks off
Calvin is holding the book
CALVIN
(leafing through the pages of the book)
WOW, this book has GREAT PICTURES!
ACT I
SCENE 8
In front of Calvin’s bench
An older boy and younger girl are kicking a ball down the boardwalk
The girl runs into Calvin
She looks a little scared
Calvin picks up the ball and throws it to the boy
Calvin and the kids start playing catch
They are all laughing and continue to play
The kids get tired and sit down on either side of Calvin
CALVIN
(to the boy)
When I was your age, I played on the hockey team at school.
BOY
Oh yeah, were you any good?
CALVIN
I was very good. The coach thought I might go pro.
GIRL
What happened?
CALVIN
I played hookey from school too much. The coach kicked me off the team.
BOY
That’s too bad.
GIRL
Yeah, that’s too bad.
(she turns to her brother)
Do you think that daddy played hockey in school?
BOY
(shrugs)
I don’t know.
CALVIN
Well, ask him when you get home!
GIRL
We can’t...he...he left us and...
CALVIN
Oh, I’m sorry.
Awkward silence follows
GIRL
What is your name, mister?
CALVIN
My name’s right on my shirt! See?
GIRL
(spelling)
C-A-L-V-I-N! That says CALVIN!
CALVIN
Yes, that’s right!
BOY
Funny...our mom does the same thing...
CALVIN
(to boy)
Does what?...
GIRL
(interrupting)
I had a pet worm named Calvin once!
CALVIN
You did? What happened to him?
GIRL
(sadly)
My mommy put him on a fishing hook. She shouldn’t have put my pet on a fishing hook, don’t you think?
CALVIN
Oh...well...
BOY
(to Calvin)
She named every worm in the bucket "Calvin" that day!
GIRL
Well that way I didn’t get them all mixed up! It was hard to tell which worm was Calvin.
CALVIN
Well, I’m sure everything turned out just fine, in the end!
GIRL
Yes! A great big fish came along and pulled on the line!
CALVIN
Oh my...were you, were you...upset?
GIRL
Only for a minute because the fish was beautiful and he had big whiskers! My mom said he was a catfish!
CALVIN
Here in the ocean, huh? Gee, I thought they lived in creeks.
GIRL
Not this one! He lived in the ocean! He flopped around for a minute, and my mom took the hook out of his mouth, and then we THREW him back in the water! And guess what?
CALVIN
I can’t imagine!
GIRL
After the hook came out of the catfish’s mouth, Calvin was there! He was still hooked!
BOY
I guess Calvin didn’t taste too good.
GIRL
(to her brother)
He did too! I mean, I’m sure he would have tasted good! The catfish just didn’t have time to eat him!
GIRL
(turning back to Calvin)
We rescued Calvin from the hook!
CALVIN
(to audience)
Gee, maybe there is some hope...
(to girl)
Well that’s a nice, happy ending! It’s nice you took the hook out of the catfish and the worm!
(aside to audience)
I could use a happy ending like that myself.
BOY
Hey, uh, Mr. Calvin...why are you just sitting here like this?
CALVIN
Oh, I sat on a fishing hook here and I’m having a bit of trouble getting it out.
BOY
Oh, we’ll go get our mother! She’ll be able to help you!
GIRL
Yes, any time my dolls are sick, she helps them! She can help you, too!
CALVIN
Well, I’d sure appreciate the help!
BOY
We’ll be right back!
GIRL
Yes, she’s just over there on the beach! We’ll be right back!
CALVIN
(to the audience)
I’m sure their mother will help me out!
The boy and girl return, tugging on the arms of a pretty woman
She is wearing shorts and a t-shirt
The t-shirt says "destiny" on it
BOY
(to pretty woman)
MOM! This is the man we told you about! He needs your help, because...
THE MOTHER
(interrupting, her smile fading as she sniffs the air)
Come along, children. There’s nothing we can do to help here. This man...I...I think he’s been drinking. You can’t believe anything he’s saying...just like your father...
BOY
But mom, that’s not fair to compare him to dad...
GIRL
Yeah, and besides, he’s stuck here and he needs some help!
THE MOTHER
(softly)
Okay, okay.
(to boy)
Jimmy, can you take your sister back to the beach and finish that sand castle you started with her this morning? I’ll be there in a few minutes.
JIMMY
Sure, mom.
Jimmy and the Girl start walking away
GIRL
(turns around to look at Calvin)
Remember to say your prayers tonight, Mr. Calvin.
CALVIN
I sure will
(smiles)
The children walk away
THE MOTHER
(to Calvin)
I don’t understand what’s going on here.
CALVIN
It’s not too complicated. I...I guess I did have too much to drink and I sat down on the fishing pole -- and ended up stuck here.
THE MOTHER
You look...very much like my ex-husband. And he...he would drink too much, too.
CALVIN
The kids...they told me that he left.
The Mother nods and looks away.
She spots the fishing book that Mrs. Stern had left
She picks it up and flips through, distractedly
THE MOTHER
(pressing the book to her body)
Yes, he said he felt...stuck...with a wife and two children. One day, we woke up, and he’d become unstuck...all that was left of him was a note.
CALVIN
I’m...I’m very sorry you were hurt.
THE MOTHER
(sings)
He told me he was feeling stuck
Like a fish upon a hook
But I could never, ever change
The ending of his book
When a man is stuck
When he’s out of luck
There’s nothing you can do
When a man is stuck
Like a pickup truck
It might mean that you’re through
I tried too hard for far too long
Showing him what might have been
I had to learn the hard way
And I won’t do that again
When a man is stuck
When he’s out of luck
There’s nothing you can do
When a man is stuck
Like a pickup truck
It might mean that you’re through
CALVIN
I’m sorry to hear that he left you like that. I sure know what it feels like to feel stuck, but...I...I can’t imagine...
THE MOTHER
I...I need to go find the children. I’m...I’m sorry...
She starts to flee
CALVIN
Wait! What’s your name?
THE MOTHER
(turning)
I’m...my name is Destiny.
She turns again and runs, wiping a tear away
Calvin is unaware of her tears
DESTINY
(stops and says to the audience)
I can’t help a man who’s stuck...I mean, I won’t...well, I can’t do that again.
As she runs off, she passes Susan, who’s sitting on a bench
Susan is talking on her cell phone and filing her nails
Destiny disappears, but the audience hears Susan’s phone conversation
SUSAN
(into cell phone)
I’m really sorry. I tried to get Calvin to come to his senses but he’s not budging. I’m getting a little tired of him. I just don’t understand why he’d throw it all away.
(she pauses, as if listening)
Yes, yes, I’ll be there at 5 tonight. Yes, goodbye. Sorry I couldn’t help. It would have been good for Calvin, and good for me.
Susan puts her cell phone and nail file into her purse
She gets up and walks away
Back to Calvin
As Calvin sits there alone, the stage grows dark
A spotlight shines on Calvin
CALVIN
(to audience)
Their mother...Destiny...she was real pretty.
CALVIN
(sings)
I saw a sadness in her eyes
Did you see it too?
She looks much too pretty
To have eyes so blue
I saw a sadness in her eyes
Took me by surprise
She looks much too pretty
To have eyes that cry
Can it be that she shares the same pain as me?
Calvin picks up a hand mirror, which he pulls out from behind him
He gazes into the mirror
When I look at my reflection
I don’t see perfection
But in her eyes I feel a connection
Calvin puts the mirror down
He looks at the audience again
I saw a sadness in her eyes
I’m convinced it’s there
She looks much too pretty
For teardrops to live there
I saw a sadness in her eyes
Did you see it too?
She looks much too pretty
To have eyes so blue
Can it that she shares the same pain as me?
Calvin picks up the mirror again
When I look at my reflection
I don’t see perfection
But in her eyes I feel a connection
Calvin puts the mirror down
He gazes off into the distance
ACT I
SCENE 9
In front of Calvin’s bench
A jovial looking, middle-aged man comes along
Calvin flags him down
The man stops in front of Calvin
CALVIN
Excuse me, sir, but could you help me please? I have a hook hooked in my bottom and it’s kind of hurting. Could you get me some help?
THE MAN
Well, my poor fellow, you’ve come to the right person! I AM, by training, a medical doctor, though I’m a psychiatrist, a doctor of the mind. You know, there’s a very strong connection between the mind and body. A very strong connection. The mind can heal the body. I believe it is so. Fascinating. Just fascinating.
CALVIN
Oh, doc, doc, please help me get this big ol’ hook out -- it’s KILLIN’ me! I have a book there on getting fishing hooks out if you need it...
THE DOCTOR
(looking a little queasy, picks up the book)
Yes, yes. I haven’t done anything like this since medical school. I think it was a cow who backed into a fence and I helped get the wire barbs out, and oh, it was very messy...
(flips through the book)
...GREAT PICTURES. But, yes, yes, it’s a very nasty business.
CALVIN
(appearing nervous)
Well, how about going into the liquor store here, and buying us another bottle of this...
(he lifts up his paper bag)
(sheepishly)
It might hurt to take that hook out, and I want to be...well, you know...kind of NUMB.
Calvin takes the last swig of his bottle
He holds the empty bottle upside down
THE DOCTOR
That’s a fine idea!! Yes, yes, a fine idea indeed!
The doctor goes into the liquor store
CALVIN
(to audience)
He seems like a nice guy. He’ll help me out in a few minutes, and the hook will come out, and all of you can just go on home.
The doctor returns with a large bottle of wine
He sits down on the bench next to Calvin
He opens the bottle, and takes a swig
He hands the bottle to Calvin
THE DOCTOR
Here you go, good fellow. Nothing wrong with a good, stiff drink in the middle of the day, when there’s good reason. And you, sitting there on the hook, well, for
you, it also serves as pain medication! And for me, well, for me, I’m not a surgeon and this seems a bit like a surgical procedure to me, so I need preparation as well!
He takes the bottle from Calvin and holds it up, like he’s toasting
So here’s to your hook...err...health!
He takes a swig
CALVIN
(sitting up straight)
Doc, sitting here like this has got me thinking about my life...and where it’s headed. I don’t always want to always be known as the guy...the guy...sitting around with a hook in his butt! NO! I want to DO something, BE something, MAKE something of my life! But tell me....how do I do it? How did YOU do it? How did you become a doctor?
THE DOCTOR
Yes, yes, well, you have to look deep within yourself, and figure out what it is that makes you feel ALIVE! For me, it was healing people’s minds....though it started out with healing the bodies of creatures. When I was a little boy, I would somehow find little insects and animals that were hurt or injured, and I would work to heal them. I had a little hospital for beetles, worms...any creature that needed tending to!
He takes a moment to reflect
Takes a few swigs
THE DOCTOR
As I got older, I became interested in how the human body heals itself, and then, the most mysterious of all...the human MIND! Because, I tell you this, son, if the human MIND goes on the blink...then so does the human BODY -- they go together -- I swear they do! There’s this one part of the brain, a very important part, called The Medulla Oblangata...and I’ve worked with patients who have had this important part of their brain go on the blink...I swear to you, I’ve seen it. And here’s what happens to those patients...I swear I’ve seen it happen...
The Doctor stands up
The Doctor starts singing
He’s dancing, robot-style, with stiff arms and legs
Well, a 40 watt bulb is brighter than me
And my dodo bird in the tree
I realize 2 & 3 is four
But my dodo bird’s not sure
My medulla oblongata’s on the blink
The situation makes it hard to think
When I pass gas it doesn’t even stink
But hold your nose I could be wrong
My ability to reason is all gone
Oh no, Oh no, Oh no
I’m in a lowdown, meltdown, overloaded kind of mode
Like the cherry bomb waiting to explode in my commode
My medulla oblongata’s on the blink
The situation makes it hard to think
It’s raining cats and dogs, it’s coming down
We’re in the mud with pigs rollin’ ’round
My dodo bird is making funny sounds
I hold my ears when he sings his song
His ability to sing a song is gone
DO DO DO DO DO DO
I’m in a lowdown, meltdown, overloaded kind of mode
Like the cherry bomb waitin’ to explode in my comoode
My medulla oblongata’s on the blink
The situation makes it hard to think
The doctor sits back down
He’s panting
CALVIN
Gee, that sounds bad. I sure hope MY Medulla Oblongata never goes on the blink, Doc.
THE DOCTOR
Well, from what I see of you, your Medulla Oblongata does seem fine. But this hook business...
(shaking his head)
Well, there could very well be a mind/body connection there. Yes, there very well could be.
CALVIN
(scratching his head)
Gee, doc, I just sat down on a hook....I don’t see what that has to do with my mind...
THE DOCTOR
Close your eyes.
(Calvin closes his eyes)
THE DOCTOR
Think back to your childhood. Is there any kind of hook or sharp object in your past, that you can think of now?
CALVIN
(opening his eyes)
Well, my dad took me and my sister fishing once.
THE DOCTOR
Yes, yes. Fishing. And what happened?
CALVIN
Well, my little sister, her name is Wendy, and she was real good at fishing.
THE DOCTOR
And how did that make you feel?
CALVIN
Not too good.
THE DOCTOR
And why is that?
CALVIN
Because I wasn’t any good at it.
THE DOCTOR
Tell me more.
CALVIN
Well, Wendy kept catching these real big fish. Pulling them out of the ocean, over and over. She had a pile of them. Every time she put her hook in the water, she’d come up with a fish. My dad was real proud of her. Every time she caught a fish, he’d say, "that’s my girl!"
THE DOCTOR
And how did that make you feel?
CALVIN
Well, I felt jealous. He never said, "that’s my boy!" But, finally, there was a bite on my line. I was so excited.
THE DOCTOR
You must have been.
CALVIN
Well, I was. But I pulled it up, and there was a tiny little....goldfish.
THE DOCTOR
A goldfish? In the ocean?
CALVIN
Yeah, it was kind of weird. They even have catfish in the ocean.
THE DOCTOR
What happened next?
CALVIN
My father and Wendy -- they laughed.
THE DOCTOR
And how did that make you feel?
CALVIN
I felt terrible. But I put the little goldfish in a jar, and I took him home and put him in a bowl. While I watched my goldfish swim around, my father and Wendy prepared all of Wendy’s fish for dinner.
THE DOCTOR
Yes, that’s bad. Very bad.
CALVIN
Can I confess something to you, Doc?
THE DOCTOR
Yes, anything. I’m not a priest, of course, but doctor-patient confidentiality and all of that.
CALVIN
I had the urge to grab my goldfish and eat him for dinner. I wanted to eat him, while they ate Wendy’s fish for dinner!
Suddenly, Calvin stops to glare at the audience, as if he heard a snicker.
CALVIN
(to the audience)
Oh, you think that’s funny?
CALVIN
(sings)
He might be your pet
You ain’t eat him yet
This might sound real cold
But...go for the gold
Grab that fish right
Out of the bowl
Suck the head
Swallow him whole
Dice an onion
Tator or two
Presto, you got
Goldfish stew
Now he’s swimming around in your belly
That’s his brand new bowl
Drink another pint of ale
Fish like to rock and roll
Suck the head
Swallow the tail
Drink him down
With a pint of ale
Eat it all
Don’t leave a trace
Wipe the evidence
From your face
Now he’s swimming around in your belly
That’s his brand new bowl
Drink another pint of ale
Fish like to rock and roll
Yeah he’s not very big
So here’s what ya do
Grab that fish right
Out of the bowl
Suck the head
Swallow him whole
Dice an onion
Tator or two
Presto, you got
Goldfish stew
Now he’s swimming around in your belly
That’s his brand new bowl
Drink another pint of ale
Fish like to rock and roll
He resumes talking to the doctor
order to make your dreams come true, but if you work hard
CALVIN
Anyway, Doc, I didn’t eat my goldfish. Because I loved him. I kept him in his bowl. But Wendy and my father...they always laughed about that day.
(hanging his head)
But I never thought it was funny.
THE DOCTOR
And your mother?
CALVIN
My mother? She bought me a big tank for the gold fish. That was nice of her.
THE DOCTOR
Well, yes, yes. It appears we’ve gotten somewhere here. I’m beginning to see...well, this could take many years of therapy. Let’s see, where were we...ahhh, yes....we were talking about what you’re planning to do with your life! You were asking me how I became a doctor! Yes, yes. I knew deep in my heart that being a doctor is what I wanted to be, and I MADE it happen because helping people is what makes me feel ALIVE! How about you, Calvin, what has always made YOU feel alive?!
CALVIN
(hesitating)
Well, I always loved making music. When I was a kid, me and my friend, we’d turn these trash cans into drums and we’d pretend like we had our own band and I’d always skip school so I could go home and crank up the radio and play my guitar. I had this favorite DJ that I listened to and he was always my hero. And I’ve always loved electric surf music, especially!
THE DOCTOR
Well, now we’re getting somewhere!!
CALVIN
But Doc, sometimes I feel soooo defeated. Do you really think I could become an electric surf music deejay one day? I feel like I’ve got about as much chance of that as getting kids to listen to Irving Berlin!
THE DOCTOR
Ahhhh...Irving Berlin! Best songwriter that ever lived, if you ask me!
"Puttin’ on the Ritz" music begins playing
He gets up does a little dance
The music stops
He sits down
Don’t give up on your dreams, Calvin. Don’t give up on your dreams! Sometimes, you have to do other things in order to make your dreams come true, but if you work hard and stay focused, you’ll eventually find a way!
CALVIN
Did you ever have to do anything else?
THE DOCTOR
Sure I did! While I was in medical school, I needed to pay for expenses, so I worked as a butcher during the summers.
(he looks at Calvin, then looks at the audience)
(to the audience as an aside)
Hmmmm....that skill might come in handy with his little problem here...
CALVIN
(not hearing the aside, and shaking his head)
Well, I couldn’t imagine being a butcher. No way. That’s not for me at all. I like it warm and BRRRRR...
(hugging himself like he’s cold)
...that meat case would get too COLD for me! And this knife I have...
(pulling out his knife)
...this is a whittling knife. It’s never touched any flesh -- not even fish! I eventually learned how to catch fish like Wendy, but I’ve always thrown my fish back. I’ve used this knife only on wood.
(looking nervous)
But here...
(holding it out to the doctor)
...you can use it to get the hook out, if you need to!
(sheepishly)
I thought of trying it on myself, but digging a knife into my very own bottom...
(shuddering)
...I think I’d rather sit here and die...
THE DOCTOR
(refusing the knife)
No, no, it’s not sterilized. You’d develop a bad case of amoebic dysentery or, err, well, you’d develop something! It’s been a long time since medical school...
CALVIN
(putting his hands up to his ears)
...I...I can’t bear to hear it!
THE DOCTOR
Yes, yes, well, back to your dreams...
CALVIN
...YES, my dreams! Doc, you’ve sure given me some hope about my future!
CALVIN
(sings)
Music makes me feel alive
Without music I would die
Music is my satisfaction
Music is my passion
I was groovn’ and movin’ before Head Start
Since I first heard the beat of my mother’s heart
Give me a table, I’ll make it a drum
The guitar’s why God gave me a thumb
I love a good woman, don’t get me wrong
But nothing beats singing my song
With the radio on, got my first kiss
I live for a harp pressed to my lips
Electric surfers rule the earth
And deep in my bones I know what it’s worth
What I feel in my soul, they can’t teach ya in school
Surfer girls know rhythm’s cool
They can hook me like a fish on a boat
But they can’t take the song out a my throat
I’ve always known music’s my life
It’s time for the fire to ignite
Music makes me feel alive
Without music I would die
Music is my satisfaction
Music is my passion
THE DOCTOR
(slapping Calvin’s knee)
Well there you go! I think you’ve found your passion!
The doctor gets up
He falls back, a little unsteady
Calvin catches him
CALVIN
Yes, you’re right, doc! Electric Surf Music IS my passion! Thank you, thank you!
THE DOCTOR
(slurring his words)
Well good show! Now you go follow your dreams!
CALVIN
I will, I will!
The doctor stumbles off
Calvin keeps saying goodbye and waving him off
A look of horror on Calvin’s face
CALVIN
He forgot about my hook!
Calvin slumps over
ACT I
SCENE 10
In front of Calvin’s bench
A priest walks toward Calvin
CALVIN
(flagging the priest down)
Father, FATHER!! Father who art in Heaven!
(he stops and looks at the audience)
Uh, is that right?
(again flagging the priest down)
Father, Father, over here!
PRIEST
(startled)
Yes?
CALVIN
Father! I’ve got this problem and...
PRIEST
We all have sinned.
(looking at Calvin)
Uh, perhaps you, more than others, but...
CALVIN
Father, what I’ve done is not a sin, it’s just...
PRIEST
...those who sin often don’t believe they’ve sinned. Admit your sins. It’s the first step.
CALVIN
Well, I never thought it was a sin to have this particular problem...
PRIEST
I will pray for your sins.
CALVIN
(smiling)
Gee, that’s really nice of you to pray for me, Father! I don’t think anyone’s ever prayed for me before!
PRIEST
(doing the Sign of the Cross)
Bless you, and may God be with you.
CALVIN
Thank you, Father! Thank you very much!
The priest nods and walks away
CALVIN
(to the audience)
Did you hear that? He’s praying for me! That’s so nice of him! Once he does that, I bet the hook will come right out!
(pointing to the sky)
He’s got connections, you know.
BOARDWALK SCENE FADES
ACT I
SCENE 11
In the little girl’s bedroom
Little girl is in her pajamas
Her brother walks in
JIMMY
Goodnight, Emma.
EMMA
Oh, Goodnight! Hey, Jimmy...?
JIMMY
Yes?
Both children are unaware that Destiny has cracked the door open
Destiny stops and listens
EMMA
Are you worried about Mr. Calvin? Do you think he’ll be okay?
JIMMY
I’ve been thinking about him too, Em. I think he’ll be okay.
EMMA
Why do you suppose mommy wouldn’t help him today? She always helps everybody! She helped daddy, too, even after he was mean to her. She helped him until he left. And then she cried when she couldn’t help him anymore.
JIMMY
I know, Em. It’s not like her. Maybe it’s because Calvin looks so much like daddy...
EMMA
I thought so too. But he only looks like daddy on the outside. On the inside, he doesn’t look like daddy. Daddy didn’t like to talk to us. And he didn’t say funny things just to make us laugh, like Mr. Calvin.
JIMMY
I think so, too. I guess Mom has only seen the outside of him. She doesn’t know the inside.
EMMA
Can you stay while I say my prayers, Jimmy?
JIMMY
Sure, Em.
EMMA
(kneeling by her bed, her hands in prayer)
Dear God. Please help Mr. Calvin get that hook out. He must be very hungry and thirsty. Please bring him a big Slurpee. Oh, and some chocolate drops.
JIMMY
(smiling)
That’s nice, Em. Oh, and I bet he’d like a bag of lollipops too.
EMMA
Yes!
(continuing to pray)
And God, please send him a bag of lollipops tonight, too.
(standing up)
Goodnight, Jimmy.
JIMMY
Goodnight, Em.
Their mother slowly closes the door
SCENE FADES
ACT I
SCENE 12
In front of Calvin’s bench
Calvin nods off to sleep
Dark clouds move in
Scary music begins playing
The sound of the ocean roaring can be heard
The wind starts whipping, tearing off the liquor store sign
Calvin is in the middle of a nightmare
The ghosts of his past start haunting him
TWO WOMEN
(pointing and taunting)
You’re a bum, you’re a bum!
CALVIN
I’m not, I’m not!
The women disappear
MRS. STERN
You should have studied more, you should have studied more...
Calvin reaches for her, but fails
CALVIN
I know, Mrs. Stern, I know...
Mrs. Stern disappears
DESTINY
Don’t go near my kids. You’re a drunk. You’re just a man with a hook in his butt. You’re stuck -- just like my ex-husband!
CALVIN
I’m more than that, I’m more than that! I’m not always going to be stuck!
Destiny disappears
Susan appears, laughing like a maniac
Susan disappears
CALVIN
I thought you loved me, Susan!
THE DOCTOR
You’ve got to feel Alive! You’ve got to feel Alive!
CALVIN
I want to, Doc, I want to!
THE SHOPKEEPER
We don’t need your type around here!
(hitting Calvin with the broom)
Shoo, shoo!
SURFER DUDE
The waves aren’t awesome because of you...
CALVIN
Yes they are! Yes they are!
THE COP
I’m looking for a bum. The bum’s going to jail.
CALVIN
There’s no bum around here, there’s no bum around here, officer.
PRIEST
(sings)
Row your boat to heaven
If you don’t want to go to hell
The water’s blue as far as we can see
Row your boat to heaven
If you don’t want to go to hell
I know we’ll make it there if we believe
I got a slurpee and some chocolate drops
And a great big bag of lollipops
Grab an oar and row your boat to heaven
Row your boat to heaven
If you don’t want to go to hell
Satan’s coming on a great white shark
Row your boat to heaven
If you don’t want to go to hell
Those storm clouds behind us are growing dark
I got a slurpee and some chocolate drops
And a great big bag of lollipops
Grab an oar and row your boat to heaven
And the whale will be our tour guide
Follow his tail
Row your boat to heaven, let’s sail
EMMA
Say your prayers, Mr. Calvin.
CALVIN
I will, I am!
The Boardwalk becomes calm again
It appears as it once did
Destiny appears and sees Calvin sleeping on the bench
CALVIN
(eyes closed, moving restlessly on the bench)
I don’t want to go to hell, I’ll keep rowing....I don’t want to go to hell, I’ll keep rowing...
Destiny tiptoes over to the bench, careful not to disturb Calvin
She’s carrying a Slurpee, a bag of chocolate drops and a bag of lollipops
Quietly, she places the items on the bench next to Calvin
It’s dark
The spotlight shines on her
DESTINY
(whispering to the audience)
He must be hungry and thirsty.
DESTINY
(sings softly)
I saw a sadness in his eyes
I’m convinced it’s there
He looks much too gentle
To have sadness live there
She flees
Emma peeks her head out from behind a tree
Emma has followed her mother
She’s in her nightgown
She watched everything
EMMA
(sings)
I think mama cares for him
I think she really does
She gave him some chocolate drops
Just because, just because
I wonder if he likes her too
I wonder if he cares
I wonder if he he’s feeling blue
I wonder if he’s feeling scared
I think mama cares for him
I think she truly might
She gave him some lollipops
So that he’ll be alright
I wonder if he likes me too
I wonder if he cares
I wonder if he he’s feeling blue
I wonder if he’s said his prayers
I think mama cares for him
I think it may be so
She gave him a Slurpee
So he doesn’t feel low
I wonder if he likes her too
I wonder if he cares
I wonder if he he’s feeling blue
I wonder if he’s feeling scared
EMMA
(clapping her hand to her mouth)
I better get home before mama sees me missing!
Emma flees
Calvin wakes up, startled
He shakes his head, as if clearing it
Sitting on the bench next to him is a large Slurpee, a bag of chocolate drops and a bag of lollipops
Calvin picks them up, a look of wonder on his face
He looks up at the sky
He picks up the Slurpee and takes a sip
ACT 1
SCENE 13
In front of Calvin’s bench and the library of Calvin’s mansion
CALVIN
(to audience)
I just had a terrible nightmare.
(wiping his brow)
I wasn’t ALWAYS like this, you know. There was a time when I was a very different person, in a very different set of...circumstances...
LEAVING BOARDWALK
Four stagehands run out with a bucket of soap and brillo pads
They scrub Calvin down, two of them standing on the bench
As they scrub, Calvin’s bench turns around and he disappears
Calvin reappears, all cleaned up
He’s in a rich-looking library of a mansion
He is handsome, dressed in a preppy manner, including a cardigan sweater
He is sitting at a nice, large desk
Calvin is writing something
When Calvin hears people in the audience gasp at his transformation, he places his pen down deliberately and glares at the audience
He picks his pen back up and continues to write
In a comfortable-looking chair next to the desk, a young woman is filing her nails
She looks like an attractive hippie, with a maxi skirt and fringed shirt and sandals
She has hair down to her waist.
Her hair is covering her face.
We can barely make out her face because of all the hair
CALVIN
(to the young woman)
Larry, I think I’m gonna be in big trouble when my dad finds this note.
LARRY
You’ve gotta be free. It’s stifling here. I can barely stand five minutes in this house!
CALVIN
Yes, leaving is the only way I’m going to be able to find myself. Find out what I truly need and want in life.
Larry nods her head
A skinny teenager walks in
She’s dressed in a tennis outfit and is carrying a racket
She plops down on the sofa
She glares at Larry
CALVIN
(to the girl)
What’s wrong now, Wendy?
WENDY
(gesturing toward Larry)
What’s MARY doing here at our house -- AGAIN?
LARRY
You know I like being called ’Larry’ now, you little brat. So call me ’Larry!’
WENDY
Your name is ’Mary.’
LARRY
’Mary’ is too biblical. I’m ’Larry’ now!
WENDY
(rolling her eyes)
Okay, Hairy Larry.
Hairy Larry smooths her hair
Wendy turns to Calvin and eyes him sharply
WENDY
What ARE you WRITING? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you actually WRITE anything! Something must be up!
CALVIN
I’m writing a goodbye note, along with my last will and testament. I’m leaving the house today, Wendy. I’m 19 years old. It’s time for me to find my way in the world.
WENDY
(snorting)
You still can’t even find your way around this HOUSE, Calvin! How are you going to make it out on your own? And besides...
(snickering)
...who will take care of your goldfish?
CALVIN
(stiffening)
I won’t let you, or anyone, talk me out of this. And mother loves that goldfish more than anyone. She’ll take care of it.
CALVIN
(sings)
Some wear their hair too long
Some don’t belong
Some wear their hair too short
Some show their warts
Some know how to catch fish
Some only wish
Some know how to be cool
Some go to school
I’m not like you
I need my groove
So don’t be ugly sister
Try to be kind
If I stay here at home
I’ll go out of my mind
Some learn how to be rich
Some get the itch
Some learn how to play drums
Some just play dumb
Some take what life brings
Some clip their wings
Some take dad’s advice
Some learn from life
I’m not like you
I want to move
So don’t be ugly sister
Try to be kind
If I stay here at home
I’ll go out of my mind
Calvin goes back to writing
Hairy Larry continues to file her nails
Wendy glares at Hairy Larry
From offstage, the sound of a door opening
A man’s voice yells, "I’m home."
The audience doesn’t see the man
WENDY
(jumping up and running offstage, toward the voice)
DADDY! You’re here JUST in time! Calvin’s running away from home!
HAIRY LARRY
(yelling toward the the father’s voice)
He’s not running away from home! He’s 19 years old! He’s leaving home, to find his way in the world!
CALVIN’S FATHER
(yelling from off-stage)
Is that true, Calvin?
CALVIN
(stiffening and putting his pen down, and yelling in the direction of his father’s voice)
Yes, it’s true, father. I feel that there’s more to life than amassing money, which you seem to do. It’s time to go out on my own, to find my own destiny. To maybe even pursue MY dreams, not the dreams you and mother have for me.
CALVIN’S FATHER
(speaking from off-stage, still unseen)
Your mother and I have given you everything, Calvin, and all you’ve done is throw it all away.
CALVIN
(speaking in the direction of his father’s voice)
Father, I feel like I was born into the wrong household! This doesn’t FEEL like me...(he makes a sweeping gesture around the room)...and I’m not even DRESSED like me...(he looks sadly down at his sweater, picking at it)...this sweater belongs to you and your generation.
Wendy and Hairy Larry nod their heads vigorously, in agreement about the sweater
CALVIN
(speaking in the direction of his father’s voice)
And I’ve seen your friends wearing sweaters like this, and I saw an old show once where Perry Como was singing songs, wearing this same sweater and...
FEMALE SINGER
(somewhere off-stage, singing)
Don’t make him wear the sweater!
Six female dancers and singers burst onstage, wearing sexy versions of Perry Como sweaters that look like very short dresses, and heels
The spotlight is on Calvin and the singers
Hairy Larry and Wendy look on from the sidelines
CALVIN
(sings)
Don’t make me wear no Perry Como Sweater
GIRLS
(sing)
Don’t make him wear the sweater
CALVIN
(sings)
I’d rather get hit by a speeding train
Kiss the ground in a burning plane
Don’t make me wear no Perry Como sweater
GIRLS
(sing)
Don’t make him wear the sweater
CALVIN
(sings)
I’d rather deal with gonad pain
Strike out on Lovers Lane
Let Wendy read my will from a letter
(Wendy appears visibly shocked, upon hearing her name)
Cause now I’ve got this nasty strain
Of amoebic dys-en-ter-y
And I’d rather kiss a hairy girl named Larry
GIRLS
(sing)
Larry???
(Hairy Larry appears pleased, upon hearing her name)
CALVIN
(sings)
Don’t make me listen to a disco song
Everything about that’s wrong
Don’t make me wear no Perry Como sweater
GIRLS
(sing)
Don’t make him wear the sweater
CALVIN
(sings)
But if I got to wear it all day
This is probably what I’d say
Let Wendy read my will from a letter
Cause now I’ve got this nasty strain
Of amoebic dys-en-ter-y
And I’d rather kiss a hairy girl named Larry
GIRLS
(sing)
Larry??
CALVIN
(sings)
Don’t make me listen to a disco song
Everything about that’s wrong
Don’t make me wear no Perry Como sweater
GIRLS
(sing)
Don’t make him wear the sweater
CALVIN
(sings)
Hook me up with cellulite booty
Give me full-time jury duty
Don’t make me wear no Perry Como sweater
GIRLS
(sing)
Don’t make him wear the sweater
CALVIN
(sings)
Don’t handcuff me to a know it all
I’ll beat my head against the wall
Let Wendy read my will from a letter
Cause now I’ve got this nasty strain
Of amoebic dys-en-ter-y
And I’d rather kiss a hairy girl named Larry
GIRLS
(sing)
Don’t make him wear the sweater
CALVIN
(sings)
Don’t make me listen to a disco song
Everything about that’s wrong
Don’t make me wear no Perry Como sweater
GIRLS
(sing)
Don’t make him wear the sweater
WENDY, still in shock, comes out from the sideline, holding a piece of paper
WENDY
(reading from the paper - SPOKEN)
I Calvin Stewart, being FAIRLY sound of mind give the only thing in this world that’s worth a damn, my Beatles White Album, and any loose change you can find in my truck to my main squeeze -- Hairy Larry!
WENDY
(horrified look)
"HAIRY LARRY?"
Wendy runs out of the room, toward her father
The dancers run over to Calvin
The dancers motion to him that they want to remove his sweater
Calvin stretches his arms out and nods approval
They remove Calvin’s sweater
The girls start running off stage
The last girl off stage is twirling the sweater in the air
Calvin remains, wearing a t-shirt
Calvin is smiling and breathless -- exhilarated
CALVIN
(speaking toward his father’s voice)
Don’t you understand, father?! I want to feel ALIVE!
The stage goes dark on all of the characters, except Calvin
CALVIN’S FATHER
(snorting, and still unseen)
Suit yourself!
Footsteps from offstage, and a door slams
Four stagehands come running out with bags of dirt and grime
They pour the bags of dirt all over Calvin
Calvin points to the pen on the desk and a stagehand runs to get it
While the stagehand is there, he sees a pair of scissors and picks it up
He runs to Hairy Larry with the scissors
Hairy Larry makes hand gestures, declining a hair cut
The stage hand shrugs
He runs back to Calvin and gives him the pen
The four stagehands run off
Hairy Larry waves goodbye to Calvin
END OF ACT ONE